Procrastination, No Breathing
by aminominominously
Summary: The decision of whether to train Anakin or not is delayed when Qui, Obi, Ani, and the council decide to go on many exciting, though unnecessary, adventures. What they are really doing is procrastinating. Will they ever decide what to do with Anakin?
1. The Council Discusses

Procrastination, No Breathing  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Disclaimer: Marc Anthony, I hate that guy!!! Anyway, the Star Wars Universe doesn't belong to me. Damn, and I could make such good comedies from it, too. Well, I already do. I'm way cooler than THE authors. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Scene 1: (tpm) Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn are standing in front of the council with Lil' Ani, (don't be confused with Lil' Bow Wow or Lil' Romeo or Lil' Wayne or Lil' Kim or Lil' John....wait, Robin Hood?!)  
  
Qui: So the boy is to be trained?  
  
Obi: Trainspotting? I love that movie! (starts to hop on one leg and perspire, needing to call Old Spice and try a stick for himshelf...no not Darth Vader a.k.a. Droid Ani!)  
  
Qui: Shhhh, shut up my young padawan learner. We'll watch that movie later. (grins evilly)  
  
Ani y Obi: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! (fall down simultaneously)  
  
Mace: (looks confused for a moment) Uh....no, the boy is not to be trained. He is too damn old!  
  
Yoda: Language watch we must, watch language, need freedom we must, need watch watch watch.................. (continuously going)  
  
Cone Head a.k.a. Ki-Adi: What the hell is that man smoking?  
  
Plo Koon a.k.a. Plophy: He's not a man! The vooman I loved is...dead... (pauses) Argh! I'm a pirate!  
  
Panaka y Typho: (suddenly pop in) NO, WE ARE THE PIRATES!!! (both start trying to rap like Vanilla Ice even though they are black.)  
  
Mace: Ma brotha's! (holding up gangsta signal with his hand)  
  
Panaka y Typho: True, true.  
  
Obi: (getting up from floor after falling down) The Truth, by aminominominously, I love that story!!!!!  
  
Ani: My mom, a.k.a. Tatooine Whore, used to read me that bed time story all the time when I was just a lil' initiate.  
  
Temple Librarian Woman: You were never an initiate!  


Bant: (Suddenly flops into council chamber and does weird dance. She lies on floor she starts waving her arms wildly and shaking her legs like flippers)  
  
Obi: You're doing the Bant out-of-water.  
  
Bant: Well, since I am Bant and I am a fish.  
  
Depa: Enough of this nonsensesensesensesense....(pauses) I am Depa Billabababababababa!  
  
Ani: Does she always speak in those cryptic words?  
  
Yoda: Judge me you will not! (suddenly flashes Nazi sign) Hitler I am!! Damn straight I am!  
  
Plophy: What about last night?  
  
All members of the council simultaneously shrug.  
  
Bant: My cousins live in the Hoover and Newburgh Dam?  
  
Obi: Queen of the Damned, I love that movie!  
  
Lindsey: (popping head in) Where is the damned CD?  
  
All members once again simultaneously shrug.  
  
Plophy: MY LIGHTSABER IS YELLOW!  
  
Mace: Well, mine is purple!  
  
Ani: That's gay!  
  
Obi: You're gay! Mine's blue by the way. Hey, that rhymes! I'm a poet, and I didn't know it! Oh wait, that's in Moulin Rouge. I love that movie! But now I'm a Jedi.  
  
Mace: Jedi? Where? (looks confused and starts looking around for Jedi, even though they are all surrounding him. How he got on the council nobody knows, not even Hitler the Great)  
  
Qui: Mine has a fine emerald color. Like in the distant shores of Ireland where the grass is so green that the cows actually poop verde. It's also like the Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz.  
  
Obi: I love that movie!  
  
Ki-Adi: It's a classic.  
  
Mr. Lleb (history teacher): Classic is the form of art the Greeks had from early time periods.  
  
Adi Gallia: Oh, that explains everything.

Obi: I love the ancient Greeks!  
  
Ani: Naboo's Queen is very hot! (starts panting like a bantha)  
  
All the men agree.  
  
Plophy: Look everyone! (starts getting very excited) She's in this week's edition of Hustler magazine!  
  
All the men: Ooooohhhhhhhh, aaaaaaahhhhhhhh, yaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!  
  
Queen Amidala walks in.  
  
Amidala: What are you doing?  
  
Qui: Looking at nude pictures of you in Hustler magazine.  
  
Amidala: Oh...okay. (walks back out)  
  
Everyone sits silently for about 3 minutes.  
  
Obi: (looking at Qui) Let's go cow tipping!  
  
Qui: Okay.  
  
Everyone: YAY!!  
  
Ani: Is this part of my initiation?  
  
Mace: NO! But it's fun.  
  
Ani: Okay! (starts jumping up and down excitedly while accidentally peeing in his pants.)  
  
Obi: You slob! I knew I sensed something evil about you.  
  
Everyone walks out of council room, chatting excitedly.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Finish Pythagorean Theorum (used for finding side of right triangle) 

As the waters run cold our heroes are on their way to Ol' Palpy's farm for a great adventure of cow tipping. Next chapter, The Tipping of the Cows.


	2. CowTipping

Yes, my children, I am back after that long break. Why did I take so long to write the second part to this, you ask? Well, shut the hell up. I didn't feel like it. Anyway, our heroes are traveling to Old Palpy's farm to take part in their adventurous quest of cow-tipping and randomness. Okay, on with the show.

Obi-Wan: I love that song! The show must go ooooonnnn! The show must go ooonnnnn! Outside the dawn is breaking on the stage that holds our final destiny!!! The show--

Me: (punches Obi-Wan unconscious) Shut up, the story hasn't started yet, you moron. 

.....................................ahem.................(crickets).......................... 

Okay, now it starts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Chapter 2: Cow Tipping

The transport lands in the middle of nowhere in the boondocks of Coruscant. The gang quietly walks out of the ship and they begin their trek to Palpy's farm.

Obi: (looking around and breathing in deeply) I love the boondocks.

Ani: Pssst! Qui-Gon, where are we going?

Qui: To Old Palpy's farm. You met Senator Palpatine earlier. He is the only being in the galaxy who owns cows. He says that he imported them from a mysterious place that no one has ever heard of called India. 

Obi: I love India! Well, I'm sure I would if I knew what the hell it was, hehehehe--(trips over a rock) God damnit!!

Everyone laughs.

Yoda: Tripped, he did, padawan...watch watch watch.....with the wrench, in the conservatory...with liberty berty berty...for all Nazis like myshelf, shelf...

Ani: Damnit! I can't understand your cryptic words!

Everyone gasps.

Qui: You must control your anger, young one! You cannot speak to the wise master Yoda that way! He might eat you, like Mrs. Wilkinson when you don't do your Spanish homework.

Obi: I love Mrs. Wilkinson! (An angry mob of high school students charge at Obi and lay a smack-down upon him, then run off into the distance. Obi gets up.) It's okay, I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay, the ground is okay, Queen Amidala is okay...

Plo-Koon: I took the road less traveled by!

Depa: YOUR MOM!!!

Adi Gallia: Yoda is wise, gentle, all-powerful...and some other stuff.

Yoda: Es verdad. Let your anger be as a monkey on a treadmill, confused.

Everyone claps for the wise words of Yoda.

Mace: We're getting closer.

A bird-like thingy flies overhead, suddenly stopping mid-air with a huge bang and falls to the ground.

Ki-Adi: Oh, no! Don't you see? We are not supposed to be here! T'is a sign!

Obi: Signs, I love that movie! Especially the part where the alien danced like a rapper.

Ani: I'm scared, Qui-Gon. I want my mommy.

Qui: (mutters) I want your mom, too. Damn, I'll remember that night on Tatooine forever.

Ani: Huh? What did you say?

Qui: I said, uh...

Mace: Okay, you mothafuckas! We're here. Pipe down! It's cow-tipping time!

Obi: (runs over to a cow, jumps on top of it and begins humping it.) Weeeeee!!!

Adi Gallia: (whispers to Depa) Do you think it's strange that this is turning me on?

Qui: Padawan! Stop that this instant! Did you take your medicine today?

Obi: (giggles girlishly) Nope! I am a flying butrice! (runs into the cornfield and disappears)

Mace: Okay, now we can get down to business. Now everyone get on one side of the cow, and then we tip it over.

Everyone does this, and the cow tips over with a plop. 

Ani: Okay...what's the point?

Everyone's smiles fade. 

Mace: What do you mean? Look! The cow! It's...tipped over...and...uh...and lying on the ground and stuff!

Ani: So?

Mace: That's it, you little bastard. I'm not letting you ruin everything, which you will do anyway in Episode 3. (runs after Anakin)

Yoda: Too loud, being we are...discovered if continue by Palpy we Old will.

Adi Gallia: Yoda's right. Shut up, everyone.

Mace: Fine. Onto the next cow.

Obi returns from wherever he ran off to, giggling all the way.

Qui: Where were you?

Obi: Nowhere. Okay, I was in the cornfield. Okay, I was kind of close to Palpy's house. Fine, I was a little closer than that. Okay! You talked me into it! I was playing ding-dong ditch on Palpy! Hehehehehe!

Everyone: WHAT?!

Plophy: Quote the raven, nevermore.

Mace: Palpy's going to discover us for sure now! 

Off in the distance they hear shouting.

Palpy: Who's there! You better not be touching my holy cows!

Mace: Run for it!

Everyone runs and screams madly.

Palpy: (discovers his tipped cows) Holy cow! My holy cows! You will pay, you evil cow tippers! I will have my revenge!

The gang arrives back at their ship and takes off.

Ani: I have to admit, that was pretty fun.

Ki-Adi: But if he finds out who did it...

Obi: Then he'll seek revenge upon the Jedi, and turn one of them to the dark side as his apprentice and together they will destroy all of the Jedi, except a couple, and then they will form an empire and attempt to take over the galaxy!

Everyone stares at him.

Adi Gallia: Yeah, right. Like that would ever happen.

Everyone agrees.

And with that our heroes are on their way back to the temple to do God-knows-what to God-knows-who. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Finish Quadratic Formula

What prank is the gang going to pull next? Will the council ever decide what to do about the so-called Chosen One? Or will they procrastinate for all eternity? Tune in next time to find out, you tinky little mahis! And please review, or else the council might eat you.


End file.
